I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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