sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
