Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
