Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
