first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
