just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
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