what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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