Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
