i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
