She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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