My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
