There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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