i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
