Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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