Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
