I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
