I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
