Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
