Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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