there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
