saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
