i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
What a dumb baby whore.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
