Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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