girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
