My cat gives me a boner
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
