You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
