I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
