Got a toothbrush?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
