i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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