does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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