The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
