i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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