good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
