I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
