If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
