one might say we're banned from that church
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
