I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
