I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
