mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
