My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
