I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
