You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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