So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
