I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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