Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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