There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
