im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
