WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
