Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
