yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
