I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
